“Taliban to attack Tamil Nadu?”, You must be kidding.

Sudenly there is this talk of the Taliban taking over Pakistan and the problems that this is likely to pose to India. The Government of India ('secular' government at that) seeks to 'express concern' ( note : 'expressing concern' does not amount to condemnation, you see) at the peace pact between the Taliban and the Pak govt in not so harsh words, the reason being that an opposition to the 'sharia' law's implementation in the 'Swat' valley would probably 'alienate' the minority community. Same holds good for the 'elite' news papers too. While the threat from the Taliban is a reality, let us look at what that would translate to in terms of the threat perception for the different states in the cradle of India. The governments of Maharashtra, Rajasthan, Delhi, West Bengal, Kerala and Jammu need not worry much. In any case either there is arson in these states or a government in place, one being the synonym of the other. Let us look at the 'Rationalist Republic of Tamil Nadu' as this state with in the state of India needs special consideration, considering the current political discourse and governance in the state. What would the Taliban want to be seen in Tamil Nadu that would proclaim to the external world that they have gained control over a state / country ? They would want lawlessness, nepotism, ugly display of power, brandishing of arms in public spaces, disrespect to democratic processes, opposition to natural justice, a general feeling of insecurity and hopelessness in the minds of the people and an utter disregard for the welfare of the citizens. But, wait a minute. Are these attributes not part of the state of Tamil Nadu already ? Was there not utter disregard shown to the law of the land when the so called custodians of law, the lawyers, themselves took sought to prevent justice and hold the High Court of the State for ransom, attacking litigants and the police ? More than disregard, what is seen is utter contempt for law that too from the people who are supposed to enable justice for the common man. Was the issue that they were protesting for, in any way, concerned with the welfare of the fellow citizens of the land ? Was it in any way related to the upliftment of the millions of people who don’t even get one square meal a day ? The pity is the fight was for the euphemistic ‘ethnic’ brethren of a different country while, in actuality, the agitation was for the welfare of a murderous group that has been hell bent on massacring its own brethren. Then there was this by-election for a constituency in the state. A state minister who also happened to be the son of the chief minister was caught on tape, handing over wads of currency to voters, on the eve of the elections. An union minister was seen handing over the wads of currency to the money-giver. And what followed that was a list of all possible reasons for the money giving ritual. Such rampant corruption espoused by the ruling group has not been seen anywhere. The violence perpetrated on Sun TV and ‘Dinakaran’ news paper, killing of employees of the news paper by the other son of the chief minister and the hush-up operations after that and what not ! If at all there has been a state government in India that can be compared with the current one in TN, then that could have been the first government of Jayalalitha between 1991 and 1996.The current one has every attribute to surpass the former. Coming back to Taliban. We know that the Taliban demolished the statue of the Bamiyan Buddha that was standing since the last millennium. That was their way of demonstrating that idolatry was an sub-optimal level of realizing ones’ divine consciousness. Did not the DMK government try and establish the statue of EVR in front of the Srtirangam temple as if EVR was the substitute of the guarding deity Iyyanar of the hindu pantheon ? The Taliban attacked and continues to attack people who dare to speak ill of or attempt to commit what they call ‘blasphemy’. Similarly the DMK ministers along with the Mayor of Chennai attacked the BJP headquarters in Chennai, confining even lady members of the BJP inside the premises and pelted stones at them, causing considerable damage to the premises. Hence the moot question is: Do we need another Taliban ? Then we have this unique case of the formation of human chains by students from schools and colleges unmindful of pouring rains ostensibly for the cause of the Sri Lankan Tamils. It is learnt that the students were forced to participate in this form of protest by the college authorities when the parents of the children had sent them to schools and colleges for education purposes. On top of all that comes the much too frequent ‘Valedictory Functions’ to the Chief Minister and his kin. They are being felicitated for one thing or the other. If it is for talking in Tamil in the Lok Sabha on one day, it is for talking in English to the media on another day. It has become so customary for the people to expect some form of felicitation for the chief minister’s family daily and advertisements placed in leading news papers ( full page ones at that ) reminding the people of the felicitation function . When it comes to ridiculing and making fun of the majority community as also meddling with the new year dates ( Tamil New Year has been “changed” from April 14 to January 14 ), indulging in laughable declarations even in the Assembly like asking the Central government to intervene in Sri Lanka or asking for re-writing the Constitution of India, indulging in wasteful expenditure like the distribution of colored television sets for free to the electorate, the current government appears to be more like the Taliban with its backward ideologies and thought processes that are not inclined towards taking the state forward. Though it is a fact that the Taliban would feel more at home in the streets of Chennai than even in Afghanistan as the streets of both these places look alike with equal number of pot holes, I would very much doubt if they would really want to come to Chennai. That is because they would not want to be redundant in Chennai while their peers appear to be running the government in the state. Yet another similarity that the Taliban would find between Afghanistan and Chennai in particular and TN in general is the general darkness everywhere due to the frequent power cuts. The state’s electricity minister should be handed over the Nobel Prize for Electrical Engineering for his innovative invention of the state’s electrical power cables that don’t create a short circuit even if you touch them ! Due to the above reasons, I don’t think that the Taliban would attack their own ilk. Hence I congratulate the current government in Tamil Nadu for fending off the attack from the Taliban.

Sample Question Paper - M.A. in Karunanidhi Thoughts

Yes. The grand icon has been elevated to the level of M.K.Gandhi. The University of Madras ( should it be Mad-Rascals ?) has hit upon the most novel idea of starting an M.A. Course in Karunanidhi Studies something in the lines of the Gandhian Philosphy and Thought notwithstanding the fact that the only difference between these two people is that the latter had some principles and the former hasn't had any. Well, you might call it the height of sycophancy. Others might call it the evolution of rationalism. I prefer to call it a practical longevity measure for the current vice-chancellor for the University of Madras. In line with my attempt to help the future students of the course to pass the exams ( if any are conducted at all ), I have made a feeble attempt to prepare a model question paper and some answers. It is intended for people who are not from the 'Rationalist University of Erode' and therefore I have decided to prepare this sample in the lines of the 'Konar Tamil Urai' or 'Konar Notes' for the un-initiated. These non-rationalist lot needs to pass you see. People wishing to score high marks need not read this. They could indeed concentrate on 'Murasoli' - the mouth organ of the DMK.

Note : Hereinafter the grand rationalist pantheon shall be referred to as M.K. ( Gandhiji, pls forgive me )

1. Why should MK be given multiple awards daily ?

Ans : Awards are meant to be given to somebody. The only person available on earth who does not have anything to do but receive awards is MK. Hence MK should receive awards daily.

2. Who should present an award to MK ?

Ans: Anybody with enough money to lavish on ornamental decorations and some cash bags ( 'por-kizhi' for the tamils ) and are expecting some contracts from the state govt can give this award.

3. What are the pre-requisites for an award function for MK ?

Ans: Stalin, Kanimozhi, Alagiri, Dayanidhi and the multitudes of spouses of MK would need to be present on the dais. Poet Vaali and Vairamuthu should speak for 30 mins each on why the award should be given to MK. Veeramani should shout from the dais that the 'Brahmanical hegemony' would be torn down by this award. Then the award can be presented.

4. What has been the policy of MK on Sri Lanka ?

A. Srilankans are our brothers and hence we need to fight them.

B. Srilankans belong to a separate nation and the can take care of their problems themselves.

C. The Tigers are the same as the SL Tamils.

D. The Tigers are different from SL Tamils.

E. All of the above.

5. Which of the following describes MK's action plan on freeing SL tamils?

A. Creating Human-Chains consisting of school children under heavy downpour

B. Writing letters to the Prime Minister urging action

C. Writing more letters to the PM and the 'real' PM ( read Sonia )

D. Passing Assembly resolutions

E. Taking rest in the beach ( called 'fast unto death' ) for 2 hours surrounded by a/c machines

F. All of the above.

6. What best describes 'secularism' according to MK ?

A. Ridiculing 'Hinduism' in every Ramzaan function

B. Writing poetry ( if you can call that so) deriding hindu gods in the party organ Murasoli

C. Extending 'Ramzaan' and Christmas wishes but not Deepavali wishes

D. Fielding only Muslim candidates and Christian candidates from constituencies where the two

communities are in sizeable numbers.

E. All of the above.

7. What is "State Autonomy" ( Maanila Suyaatchi ) ?

A. The token speech given everytime the DMKs terms are not accepted by the Congress party.

B. The term that occurs frequently when the DMK is in opposition and vanishes into thin air once

they form the government.

C. The term often quoted when ever Annadurai needs to be remembered

D. All of the above

8. According to MK, what best describes 'paguththarivu' ( ' rationalism' for the un-initiated)

A. Visiting the memorials of Annadurai and EVR prior to embarking on any campaign

B. Wearing an yellow coloured shawl everytime in public meetings

C. Swearing at opposition colleagues in marriage functions of party cadre

D. Erecting multi metre high cut-outs for self and family all through the state

E. All of the above.

9. What does 'fast unto death' mean in 'MK parlance ? A. A two hour official siesta ( after a heavy breakfast) in the Marina beach, surrounded by a/c machines and relatives and friends with everybody controlling their laughter by trying to speak into their mobile phones. B. A and some phone calls from the PM and Sonia Gandhi C. B and some 'self-torching-ceremonies' enacted in the state. D. All of the above.

10. What does MK do while not working for the people of TN ?

A. Write screen-play for un-watchable movies such as 'Uliyin Oosai'

B. Repeat A.

C. All of the above.

11. What does MK do while 'working' for the people of TN ?

A. Same as Question No 10.

Note : Though the course has been described as an 'M.A', once you en-roll, there are chances that you could be conferred with a Ph.D ( 'Doctorate' as it is called in TN ) as there is an abundance of doctorates vested with the Universities that any passerby is being pulled into an University and conferred the 'Doctorate', the latest ones being Stalin and Sonia.

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Water in the moon, what next ?

Well, water has been found on the moon, thanks to Chandrayaan and the M3 equipment from NASA. As usual, the moot question follows : Can we take that for ourselves ? When we are not able to share water between two states within a sovereign nation and therefore resort to bus-burning, statue erecting and other gimmicks to keep ourselves busy to "find" solutions to water problems, how are we going to utilize water in the moon ? When we may not be able to take the water from moon to earth in the near future, it would be a wise idea to demarcate our "territories" in the lunar surface on a priority basis so that there is no LOC / LAC kind of altercation at a later point in time when different nations vie with earch other for terrirories in the moon. Probably Pakistan ( with the help of China, obviously ) would want to create a 'moonistan' in the lunar landscape citing reasons of the relation between the different phases of the moon and the advent of 'ramzan' and also citing the presence of the moon in its national flag. There could be supporters too for this, in India, in keeping in line with our 'secular' tradition of accepting anything 'pro-minority' as holy and thus sacrosanct. Next in line would be the exploration in the moon for the presence of oil so that the arabic nations can claim that since oil has been gifted to them by the Almighty in earth, the same principle would need to be adopted in the moon and thus all oil wells would need to belong to them. Probably a verse or two from some holy book could be cited as 'evidence' as well. What can you expect the UPA govt to do next ? Start a new scheme 'Rajiv Gandhi Lunar Yojana" and hand that over to some lunatics from the HRD ministry and the History Re-writing Committee and ask them to compose verses in praise of Rajiv / Indira / Rahul / Priyanka and find out some hidden meanings into their erstwhile statements and the moon and thus proclaim to the world that those 'prodigies' had indeed predicted the presence of water in the moon. There are very many ways to indulge in hypocrisy and one such would be what is stated above. When the Congress behaves thus, can Mayawati be left behind ? There would be another "Ambedkar Park " establishment project in the moon so that the 'dalits' would be emancipated on earth. Forget whether they have water to drink on earth. What is more important is the grant statuization initiative in the moon . If the courts scoff at that, then proclaim to the world that the courts are anti-dalits and go to elections. While these parties become busy exploiting the moon, then shall come the 'party with a difference' that has currently become 'the party without reverence'. It would be correct to say that this party can be called ' the differentially enabled party' as well. Yes, it is the BJP that is spoken about here, if you remember that such a party existed on the face of India once upon a time when Atalji reigned. Coming back to the moon - the BJP's next election manifesto ( if the party remains intact till then ) would proclaim that since the moon existed in the mythology of India and as Chandrayaan has found out water in the moon, there needs to be a separate temple for 'Chandran' in Chandrapur in Maharashtra with "Chandrayaan" as a 'vahanam' installed in front of the presiding deity. Needless to say that a section of 'secular' parties, with support from similarly inclined media, would come up with a theory as rancid as the 'Aryan Invasion Theory' that in the proposed site for building the temple, there once existed a mosque / church / Jain Vihaar ( depending upon the vote bank that they seek to entice ) and would start an agitation on the lines of 'Chandrapur Masjid Action Committee' or as the case may be. In the sidelines would be the 'Left' who have recently been left out of the political mainstream ( read blackmailing position ) in the elections. The Karat family, having been left out of media space for quite some time as also the Yechury warrior along with the T.Pandian-D.Raja comedy duo, would want to stage demonstrations wherever they find space. But you should not ask as to what they are demonstrating for or against as you could be termed anti-burgeoise anti-prelitariate if you do so. While all these happen at the national scene, the Dravidian Rationalists from the Rationalist Republic of Tamil Nadu would have comeup with a novel plan. They would have spoken to both the Congress and the BJP and promised support for either of their schemes on the following conditions : 1. In the proposed temple, Annadurai and EVR should be the 'Dwarapalakas' 2. Kanimozhi would need to be personified as Andaal 3. Stalin and Azhagiri would need to be engraved as Hanumaan and Garuda 4. Dhayanidhi would need to be the archaka ( priest ) 5. T.R. Baalu would need to get the contract to build the temple 6. 'Murasoli' would need to be the official mouthpiece of the project 7. 'Chandrayaan Award' would need to be conferred on Kalaignar Karunanidhi And Jayalalitha would continue to confabulate with Sasikala in the pristine environs of Kodanadu in the Nilgris as if there is nothing worthwhile happening in the country. You should believe that she is resting after the elections in the state. And thus the Indian Political Tamasha would continue.